A Guide to Wedded Bliss in Skyrim

Hi guys first post from me, (massive Skyrim Off the Record fan!) so let me put my character out there for you. I'm a Redguard, brutish warrior build (sword and board, heavy armour (Daedric (Legendary)), lvl 34 with lvl 100 smithing and enchanting, pretty much impervious to physical damage, magic's still a pain though, til I got "Spellbreaker" it was anyway)

But this post isn't about me, it's about my wife, Mjoll the Lioness (by the way if you don't know Mjoll the Lioness or her story this may be a bit of a SPOLIER). If I'm honest given the choice I'd have married Lydia given she's followed me on every quest since I killed my first dragon and I find her dramatic sarcasm and consistent door blocking endearing, but hey that wasn't an option (I'm on PS3) so I set about looking for a different bride.

On discovering Mjoll can't die I knew I had found the one (I mean is invincibility not the trait we all look for in a wife?) so I set about wooing her and by "wooing her" I mean lopping off a bunch of Falmer heads and pimp smacking a Dwemer Centurion Master automaton thing til it gave up her beloved lost Grimsever.

Now I was familiar with her story, she used to be an adventurer til this robot had bashed her into a bloody pulp (which I might add is a much better excuse than an "arrow in the knee" well I guess it would've been more so if I hadn't reduced the centurion to scrap in a couple of swipes of my legendary daedric sword of soul sucking goodness) then Aerin (basically a sycophantic skeever in fine clothes) found her dying and "saved her" I say that in speech marks because as a warrior I believe you must behead, tear the heart out of something evil or both to be considered as saving anybody.

Anyway with this in the back of my mind as I got down on bended knee (sans arrow) and held Grimsever aloft with a propasal of marriage she jumped at the chance (who wouldn't? I'm an eligible Dovakiin) and we were married the next day. (I don't know who invited Nelacar, I mean sure he helped me with the Black Star but the dude's a bit creepy, maybe Mjoll knows him, her cousin or something? I don't know)

After Mjoll immediately bailed following the wedding service and I had searched half of Riften to find her again she asked where we should live, I said Breezehome (but ignore all the stuff tagged "stolen" in chest and the items stamped with a bold red "steal" when you look at them) and off she went.

Imagine when I finally arrive home in Whiterun after an adventure returning from Riften, opening the door chatting to Lydia (who'd been following me) about that time I killed two sabre cats with one swing to the familiar pants and barks from Meeko upstairs and my eyes fall on Mjoll...... Then Aerin. Skeever breath Aerin. He is as welcome in Breezehome as a wet cave bear.

I stroll over "Nice to see you again, my love" utters Mjoll, I imagine she then kisses me on the cheek as my angry gaze doesn't leave Aerin who promtly repeats the same rubbish he would say about Mjoll in Riften, as though we were still IN Riften!

I kick off my legendary daedric boots, sit at the table and try to enjoy a warm nord mead light and some mammoth snout whilst all the while Aerin is telling me about Mjoll's feelings. She's upset in Riften apparently. My feelings on the other hand are homicidal, even more than usual, and the only thing stopping me selecting a random weapon from my domestic arsenal and dispatching this housefly is that I don't want a corpse in my dining room, also Mjoll's potential reaction to this, I'm sure at the very least she'd bring it up in every argument we have.

Trying to write this off I decided to have Mjoll follow me so I could see her in battle. I ask her to follow and almost immediately Aerin heads for the door, "interesting" I thought, I told Mjoll to wait and followed Aerin, he wandered out of Whiterun's gates with me in pursuit, every so often he would turn around and give me some of his limited dialog. I was umming and ahhing, "how do I kill this guy and not get a bounty in my home city?" I mean sure, the bounty would have been minimal but he's not worth that and sometimes I'll get the "collecting" guard approach me and some misunderstanding will occur, he'll get dead then ALL the guards want some of the action I'll put my weapons away but no, they want blood so I have give them their own (in vast quantities) and make sure I raze the city and that definitely seemed excessive.

We slowly crossed the small bridge and approached the stables at which point an idea dawned on me, I snuck ahead to a hidden vantage point and armed my left hand with the fury spell, now I'd never used it before I wasn't sure of it's range or even if it would be powerful enough to work on Aerin (I've only used restoration magic up to this point) I fling one "ball of fury" and while it was off target I was satisfied to see it would go the distance, I wait for my magic to recharge then blast Aerin in his matrimony triflin' face. I didn't know exactly what to expect as he disappeared from my view (I thought maybe he'd go for a horse and all the guards would jump on him) but I heard a battle, leapt out from the rock (I assume yelling "have at you, fiend!") and he's fighting the coach driver (think his name is Bjorl or Bjorli or something) I run at Aerin, take a single swing, his head comes clean off with little persuasion.

As his body falls and his head rolls the coach driver says "thanks, friend" I can only imagine I replied "no problem" while holding my "fury hand" behind my back. I loot Aerin of everything. I put on his fine clothes and stroll back to Breezehome whistling.

I open the door hoping that Mjoll and Aerin don't have either a psychic link or that as she was technically following me she witnessed the "events" by proxy (of course I'm still wearing his clothes for some small, self-indulgent, comedic value) but no, she's cool. I say "let's part ways" she says "I'll return to Riften" .... Before heading ....Upstairs, I think we all know what "return to Riften" means then, eh guys? ....... No, not that ..... That the dialog doesn't change to reflect that she now lives in Whiterun. Oh well, It could be worse, she could have questioned my familiar clothing and the massive bloodstain on my collar.

At this point I hope Aerin had no quests for me (is this what they call guilt or remorse?). Then I remember one of the items I looted from "Aerin Vulture-Food", Aerin's house key. I yell up the stairs. "Mjoll! We're moving to Riften!"

awesome post man - LMAO... thanks! You have inspired me to try my hand at a poem: *clears throat*

"Aela, sweet Aela
You said that one day we may hunt together
when, oh when sweet Aela, will that day come?

I brought you your shield, yet your eyes do not notice

On every third day I come to call
you tell me - go see Skjor, go see Farkas, or Vilkas!
Damn them Aela! I am here for your favor
come, let us run free in the meadows together
to hunt and to fish and to gaze at the stars

I give you this circlet, and this (FINE) elven sword,
oh what will it take sweet Aela?

Do I seriously have to complete this whole questline first??"

*Immersion Broken*

See that's where you're going wrong, in my experience with nord women they'll only marry you if you harbour intense murderous designs on their best friend, that and completing the pre determined, scripted quest/s required to win their favour of course. If I had a poem for anyone it would be Aerin ...

Aerin to kill you once was barely enough
If only I hadn't decapitated your snivelling head from your puny body
I perhaps could have developed sufficient conjuration to continually reanimate and destroy you for an eternity.
Ah well.

Not a poem in a classic sense more hatred in a few sentences.

LOL - well said sir... I can't handle Mjoll though - not to disrespect your wife, but she talks too much...